A Streetcar Named Desire

Psalm 37:4 (New King James Version)

Delight yourself also in the LORD,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.


What exactly does that mean?
Does it simply mean that God just gives you what you want? If He has a plan for my life and the things that I want are not part of that plan then I can't imagine that He would give them to me. I like to think that if I delight myself in the Lord that He will give me desires in my heart of the things He has planned for me. The hard part is figuring out if the things I want are things that God wants for me or if it is something that I am clinging onto because I can't see the whole plan for my life.

This has been a huge part of my prayers lately. There are things that I have become involved in recently because I feel the need to serve more than just my family and I feel it is where God wants me. I have actually started participating in the Women's Ministry instead of letting the "grown ups" do it. Things like this are pretty easy to know if it is God. The thing I am having the hardest time with right now is having another baby.

I know, 4 is a lot. EVERYONE has given me their opinion. Can I just say that for the most part it really isn't anyone's business? I have almost been criticized out of having one. I know what having another baby means. Waiting another 3 years to start "my life". Putting off volunteering at the school as much as I would like, going to school full time, working, anything that you can't do with a child clinging to your leg. Then there are the other practical things, enough room in our house, clothes, food, sports, etc. Are these sacrifices worth it?

People keep saying to wait and in a few years decide. Seriously? A few years? By then I will have to start completely over. I like to make decisions and get things done. I am like this with just about everything. Figure out what you are going to do and do it. I am praying that God will give us a clear answer to this soon because I am no good at waiting. A little boy would be amazing. I LOVE my boys. They are so much fun and I would not mind having another one but I really want a girl. While my odds of having one are very small, I just don't think I can give up hope that it might happen.

I am not sure I am ready to let go of what could be. I know a mother/daughter relationship can be an amazing thing. It is a whole new type of love and I want to be able to experience that. Not only for me but for Charles as well. I would love to see him with a daughter. I don't think anyone can comprehend how incredibly wrapped around a little finger he would be. ok. I think I am done rambling for a while. Not to mention it has taken me nearly two hours to write this since my children refuse to stop climbing all over me or begging for food. And here I am wanting to add another one to the madness... :) So, for now I guess I will just be praying for an answer and that Charles and I will be in agreement and that I will be ok with whatever God has for me.

Until whenever I am patient enough to do this again....