New Trimester, Bright New Outlook

Let me preface this blog with a few statements.

1. I have many friends right now who are struggling. People who I even avoid being around because I know that anything pregnancy related can be a real hurt to them. I in no way want to minimize the pain that they feel.
2. I know that I know that I know that I am blessed. I would not trade a thing in this world for my children. All four of them.

That said, this is me.
This is where I have been.
This is where I am.

We were not trying to get pregnant. We were actually trying to avoid it. I always said we might have another in a year or so but I knew Charles was ready to move on. The part I couldn't move on from was never having a daughter. A little girl. I would cry at the thought of never making that connection with a child. Never seeing Charles be a dad to a little princess. It hurt. But, as Parker started walking and talking, things got easier. Life got easier. We were in a good place and I was the queen. Girls share and the boys share, it's a house rule. In other words, if we had 2 potato chips in the whole house, Charles and the 3 slobbery little munchkins shared one, and I got the other all to myself to enjoy. Who could ask for more?

I never realized how much I had come to terms with not having any more children until that little pink line showed up on that little white stick. I couldn't believe it. I didn't feel the joy that you get when you finally get what you have been praying for. Instead, I felt awful. I felt like I had made a mistake, something I had to be ashamed of. I didn't even want to tell Charles because I thought he would be upset about the pregnancy and at me for somehow letting this happen. I know that these are the thoughts of a crazy person but in my head we had already moved on from this stage in our lives.

Charles was happy. WHAT?! It was the weirdest thing. He wanted to tell everyone and all I wanted to do was hide. I am so thankful that he reacted in such an unexpected way. It made me realize that it was ok. He was happy so I could be happy. I found things to be happy about. I would get to shop, I would get to eat whatever and whenever, things like that. I tried to not even hope for a girl because I just knew it was impossible. We were having a boy and his name was Carter and then life would be complete.

Finding out the baby was a girl was such a surreal experience. I had always dreamed of those words but never expected them to be said to me. I was lucky enough to find out at home with the boys and one of the best people I've ever met with me. Unfortunately, Charles was at work but it really was the best day ever. I have had many ultrasounds since then that all say girl and each time I get excited. So, here I am pregnant and happy. I am happy about having a baby. I am happy about having a girl. Shopping makes me happy. Feeling her move around, which is all the time, makes me happy.

I am not looking forward to having a newborn. It's a lot of work on very little sleep but it is only for a short time. Overall I have felt really good about things. I am able to get the car seat, stroller, swing, any big item that we need. I will have the money for the hospital bill and my family has been a huge help. All of these things are so generic. They are all stuff. I feel like I have been happy about having a baby but not THIS baby. I don't think I have felt it on a personal level. I don't feel like I have made the connection with having a baby with this specific little baby growing inside me.

Tonight was the first night that I thought of holding this baby and I smiled. I mean really smiled. I am finally starting to feel the sense of anticipation of when she'll be here. How incredibly tiny she'll be with dark skin and lots of dark hair. Those little feet and the way they arch their back when you pick them up. That sweet new baby smell, soft skin and the innocence of it all. It is finally sinking in that THIS baby, the one kicking all night, the one that I could never even imagine existing, is going to be here soon. I don't know what happened all of a sudden for me to really love HER, not just "the new baby" but I am so thankful it did.

Hopefully my late night ranting will make sense.

Her name is Ryleigh and she is perfect and I can't wait to meet HER!